When Life is So Crazy You Can't Even Manage to Record a Podcast

Hi Villagers! Thank you for your patience this week. I'm sure some of you were really wondering where WTF was this week.

Like all parents of tricky kids, life can go off the rails sometimes. On this episode Stefanie discusses her week of chaos brought to you by a little boy with Swimmer's Ear.

A Podcast for People Raising Tricky Kids

Transcript

  📍   Hi villagers. Welcome back. I feel like a kid who didn't get their homework done in time because I owe you. A podcast and I am late and I didn't even take the time to like, make a tic talk or anything about this. So, um, I, I just wanted to share what's going on with us and I'm sure many of you can relate.  It has been a little bit of a week. I don't know how familiar any of you are with sensory processing disorder. It is not, I don't think yet a medically. Uh, accepted diagnosis. It's not like in the book that has all the diagnoses in it, which is why you have to pay cash for all of your treatment. But it is a very real thing. And one of my kiddos has sensory processing disorder and is a sensory seeker. And Love's crashing his body into things, jumping off of things, carrying heavy things, boxing, fighting. Loud music, dancing lake. Just more and more and more and more until he gets dysregulated. And then also he struggles with just like understanding the signals that his body is sending him. So for instance, when he was like three. I remember him at bedtime saying. I think he was tired, but he was saying, I feel like I'm going to throw up, I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up. And it just, the signals were not communicating properly. So. We've had a couple of stressful weeks and he in particular has been irritable. And then over a weekend. One of his brothers was like, you need to get his hearing checked because he has the TV turned all the way up to 80. 

And I was like, uh, what he said, I watched TV at a 15 and he has it to 80. So. Filed that information away. And. Um, 

I observed. So he listens to calm sleep stories at night and I observed. Him. Unable to hear it well, and my kids all have crazy loud Vornado fans in their rooms. So part of me was like, can he, is he struggling to hear? Because he, the fan is so loud. But he was like laying the iPad, like directly on his here, which is not good. And I have to say. Every once in a while. For the last few weeks. When we were in the car, he always mentioned stuff in the car. Hey, I think I might have an ear infection. I'm like, why do you think that? And he's like, sometimes it hurts. And then I'd be like, oh, well, we probably need to look at that. And then you guys, I would just totally forget. Like we'd come home. It would be chaos. You know, the time between you get home from school and everybody goes to bed, I feel like is like a race to the finish line. And. I just, he hadn't been sick, so I just. Kind of looked at his ears, it looked fine. Um, If I had known how many ear infections my children were going to have, because they all ended up with tubes and adenoid surgery and tonsillectomies, I would have bought an otoscope, I think is what it's called with the doctors. Use it. Look at your ear canal. That would have been a really good investment would have saved me a lot of worry. But I don't have one. I just have my iPhone flashlight. So anyway. I came to believe that he may actually have an ear infection. So it was like, oh my God. Okay. So the next day was Monday. And I called the doctor and I said, I think he has an ear infection. He needs to be seen. Can it please be after school? So they made the appointment for, uh, Hm, three 40. I feel like, which was going to be like, get in the car. Everyone is going with us straight to the doctor. Cause. Ear infection appointments are literally like, Hmm. Yeah. You have an ear infection. Here's drops or here's antibiotics and you get to leave. Like, this is not a long thing. So we were all going to go. It was going to be after school. So. I forgot about this little nugget of information. So we're in the car line and the way Carline works for me is every year at my school's fundraiser. One of the things people can bid on is having a permanent front of the car line spot. And this is the second year in a row that I have one that I have some secrets. About how and like strategies. On how I always get it. And I'm not going to tell anyone because I want it next year. I have two more years in the lower school and I want to keep my spot. No, you're right. We're sitting there. And my younger two come out and my middle schooler always comes from his building. They just send them over to the car line. Where the littles are, so I'm not having to go through multiple car lines. So I got two kids in my car and I'm like, where is he? He's taking forever. And one of my kids is like, Does any have tennis today? 

Uh, yes. Yes, he does. He is in tennis practice right now. And we'll be out in 20 minutes. But we are also supposed to simultaneously be at the doctor. And my husband is in the middle of a gigantic work project. And is not able to just drop what he's doing and come help. Like Kate, his there's no flexibility. He's got a deadline. He's. Doing some stuff. He can't. Come and help. So they had a decision to make. I pull over to the tennis courts. And I'm like either. My eighth grader is going to be pissed because he's got to leave tennis practice 20 minutes early, or I need to find a way for him to get home. But luckily we even re we, my son even remembered. That his brother had tennis practice. So I call my mom really fast and I'm like, Hey, what are you doing? She's not really doing a whole lot. And I was like, do you have any interest in hopping in your car and coming and getting. Our tennis player from tennis, or I'm just going to have to ask him to leave. I think it would have been a half an hour. He wouldn't miss a half an hour. Practice. Out or I'm just going to grab him. And then she's like, well, and I was like, no, nevermind. This is ridiculous, mom. I will just go get him. I'm gonna grab him. And then she's like, no, no, no, I don't mind. And, you know, she likes spending time one-on-one with the grandkids, so. Okay, great. So she is going to come and get him. So then we dash to. The pediatrician. Guess what he has swimmer's ear. You guys, we've never had swimmer's ear and we've had our pool for like four years. So I guess we're very lucky. So yeah. The doctors leg, have you been swimming? Yes. Okay. You have swimmers here. Um, and he prescribed drops and we left. And we were, the plan was to meet at my mom's house. Which was, I don't know, maybe five minutes away. And I was like, you guys, I think we're gonna beat grandma to her house. And the kids who are with me say, why didn't you have her just come to the doctor's office? And then I said, I have no idea what's happening. I just tried to get everybody to all of the places. So anyway, we go to my mom's, we get the tennis plain kid. Everybody gets a handful of candy. Everyone is happy. So we make it through that day. Okay. Oh, my. Sweet baby Jesus. Did this child not want us to put the drops in his ears? Like did not, did not, did not. So I had acting class, so I left. And my sweet husband went to pick up the eardrops. He misunderstood my text to him. My text to him was. The eardrops are not ready. Hopefully they are ready soon and you can pick them up. And he just went to Walgreens and then I think stepped into a black hole of where time and space don't matter. And he was there forever because they weren't ready. And I'm like, why are you there? They call me when it's ready. And I said, hopefully it will be ready soon. So anyway, he had just glanced at my text and accepted the assignment. So, you know, I wasn't even home for this, so I guess. Putting the eardrops in hurt. And there was a lot of drama. And anger and I'm never, ever, ever going to have eardrops in my air ear ever again. I would rather die from an ear infection. Then let you put your drops in my ear. So awesome. So he's, we're supposed to do it twice a day. So the next morning. It was a no-go on drops. It was not going to happen. So we didn't do it. I mean, I just, I. He's big. Like, it's not like when they were toddlers where I could just kind of hold them down and put the drops in and then kind of distract them while I did it and then let them up. And it was all over. Like he's too big for that. If he doesn't want the drops, it is not happening. 

Um, meanwhile, he is in pain. Like cranky, cranky, cranky. Cranky cranky, cranky pain. Just like an open wound of emotion and pain. And this is where the sensory processing disorder comes into play because while maybe the average kid would find the sensation of the eardrops and that your canal being swollen and the pressure find that very uncomfortable and painful. Someone with sensory processing issues. It's going to have, like, it's, it's like you just your want to scream runaway. If it's not something they can ignore. So, you know, Some people with sensory processing disorder, like if there's an air conditioner running and it's loud in the background, most of us eventually kind of tune it out and we don't hear it as sensory processing disorder person is so focused on it that they're like getting angry. They're getting hot, they're getting dysregulated. At this sound so. Anyway, let's imagine a child with sensory processing disorder, dysregulated, and really angry and in pain about the drops. So we're having a. Outsized reaction. To the eardrops. I may have at one point said, you know what? Fine be deaf. You're going to go deaf. If we don't fix your ear. Um, Then we had to talk nicely later about what I meant, and of course that I don't want him to go deaf. But that's where we are. With the drops. 

So anyway for days, It had been on an Uh, for days. It had been off and on. But I even, I could see that his ear canal was swollen. By the time I took him to the doctor, don't judge me guys. It's just how it goes. Sometimes. And, um, any who. That night. I feel like I managed to get them in, but there was like so much screaming and crying. And then he's not allowed to go under water for five days. He could shower, but not swim. And we had really nice weather. And he literally stood in the pool. And cried. For very long time because he couldn't put his hand out underwater. Meanwhile, he usually just like is in the corner of the pool, driving hot wheels around and doesn't need to go underwater, but it was like the injustice. That he couldn't go under, so. Okay. Anyway, every night, last week, bananas. Bananas drama, dealing with the eardrops to the point where Casey was like, you know, I think this is just like every other time we think that we've got things going well. Like I know that the supplements and everything were really helping and now I just think they've stopped and we're just back to the beginning. 

And I was like, I am not ready to accept that. I think that we have a kid who is very dysregulated. And feels big feelings and he is in pain. And has. Uh, ear infection. So I gave him as much medication as possible, as far as like alternating Tylenol and Advil and managed to get eardrops in. And eventually he liked the eardrops. Which is also interesting. By the end of the week, he was like, mommy, show me how he used to hold me down. Like a baby. And he'd like crawl in my lap. And we did the eardrops. So then that your drops became fun, but last week was just like, Exhausting hellscape of. Ear infection. And exhaustion. And then this weekend we had a, my youngest birthday and it just seemed like the entire weekend. Was birthday stuff and I really am not an over scheduler. I try to have like nothing for us to do on the weekends. Like maybe Casey and I are going to go on a date. But we have run the race all week. And I am not on the lookout for stuff to do on the weekends. But we had his birthday party on Saturday and then a friend in his class had his birthday party on Sunday. So it was really funny because all of the same people. Everyone was rollerskating Saturday, and then all of the same people. God bless all of these friends and children. Uh, we're at sky zone the next day. So it was just like, oh, As a matter of fact, when everyone was leaving his birthday party, every parent was like, see you tomorrow. Yep. See you tomorrow. We're Dan Skyzone tomorrow. And then, you know, we had family over. To celebrate his birthday. Oh, and he insisted on making a cake. And he wanted to make a smores cake based on a YouTube video that he had watched. And I have to say that I was not looking forward to this. And it ended up turning out. And was delicious. So that was good. And he got all kinds of baking. Uh, cuchara mall for his gifts. So he's got, um, like kids, safe knives and measuring cups and mixing bowls and a Bundt cake pan, which you guys, we don't have the stuff for this. Every time he wants to make a cake. There's something I have to buy. Cause I don't bake. I'm not a scientist. And I am always looking for a way to be more efficient. And have a shortcut when I am cooking and you can't do that. Like baking, you can't rush, rush it. You have to do all of the steps. Anyway, we also baked. And. Luckily, the cake was delicious. And so we did that. And then somehow, uh, Monday happened and there wasn't a podcast available for anyone. So. That's where we are. In things I have had too many things. There's other things of course work. And family and all of the other things happening. And so, I mean, I am missing stuff. So our school is so great at the beginning of the school year. Like all of the different grades have a potluck dinner. At someone's house and all of the staff is there. And of course the parents are all invited and it's a really nice time. And we have gone the last two years. Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have three children, which means three different potlucks and they're on school nights. And I have no one to watch my kids. I could ask my mother to watch my kids, but Casey and I are getting ready to go out of town. And she's going to watch them. 

And I try to kind of ration the grandma babysitting amounts. Because. We have a list of people that do well babysitting our tricky kids. And I have to have a strategy for when I need grandma to swoop in and pick up from tennis or. Stay at our house. So we can go out of town for a couple of days. And I can't also say, Hey, three nights in the same month. We're going to go to these potluck dinners. And also, I'm not sure what we were thinking, but we bought tickets to a comedian for this month. And a concert for this month, which is really not like us. So we need babysitters for that too. There's too many things. So I was like, you know what? I feel like I know everybody at school pretty well now. I don't think I'm going to go to the potlucks. I didn't even bother. Putting them on my calendar. And did I mention that last week? I showed up for a parent conference a day early. 

I was there at the right time. But I was a day early. So as you can see. I am struggling with all of the things and I need to get my. Act to get there. 

Something. That I think is hard for parents of tricky kids. Is when you need a break. From all of the things. There's not that many people. That can help you. Get the break. So. You know, if you are. Married or have a parenting partner. 

Hopefully. You can take turns. If someone needs a break. And that's always good. But. As a couple, of course, it's very important. To spend time alone without your children around. And we have friends. We actually have multiple friends who have a tricky kid. And not just anyone, as I mentioned a few minutes ago, not just anyone. Can babysit for you. It has to be someone who is up for an understanding of chaos. And who can understand and make peace with the fact. That you know, a tricky kid may get very angry dysregulated. A total mess while, you know, say things that they don't mean, you know, outburst, maybe they throw things. And, you know, that's not your run of the mill. Like let's. Here I'm Susie and I'm 15 and I'm here to babysit you. So, you know, for us, we look for sitters that are older. Like adults, ideally. Um, right now we have two high school seniors who babysit for us. And luckily the kids respond well to them. You know, we did have one issue where at bedtime. One of my kids crawled up to the top of his closet and refuse to come down. And was using inappropriate language with her. And so we were like, we have to come home. And. You know, as a result of that for several weeks, until that child's behavior improved. Or months really? We, if we were going to go on a date, we made sure that we were going to get home in time that we would handle that time. Because bedtime is often the time it's the witching hour. Even neuro-typical kids are usually irrational by the time you get to the bedtime. I'm not tired. All of the things they've gone through it, they have had a hard, long days. And if. Your neuro divergent. You have had all of that times, like 20. And so by the end of the day, the collapse that happens, the lack of self-control, the lack of being able to regulate your emotions and then the change of your parent not being there to do the routine can just upend everything. So either people in that situation, don't go out. Or they have to take turns, like I said, Or they have a family member who, you know, like in our case, my mom does really well with the kids. And, you know, my kids behave really well for her. 99% of the time. And. If you have that family member, that is great, but that family member. You ha in my opinion, we have to use sparingly. So, you know, I in a fantasy world, I would love to have like a standing night, once a month, that we had have a babysitter. Like this is the night, you know, the third Saturday of every month, we're going to have a babysitter. And it's just too hard. And I have friends that if they want to meet us for dinner, They have to make sure that the babysitter that can handle chaos is available. Or that the grandparents that don't believe there's anything wrong with the kid. And they're just a disobedient children. Like, if you just were more strict with your kid, they wouldn't get dysregulated. So they have to deal with that. So, or honestly, can you enjoy yourself? Taking a break. If you are afraid and nervous that chaos is happening. While you're away. 

So. 

All that to say. That. We've had a hell of a couple of weeks and Casey and I will be going. Out of town soon, and that requires so much planning and, you know, Mapping out this kid's schedule and of course, picture day is happening. While we're gone. So, you know, that'll be interesting. Um, I have a low bar for school pictures. It's like, whatever happens happens. Um, But the management of the things. It's so hard. And I have posted in my office four pages of the things. You know my list of the 84 things that I do regularly. And it's so interesting because on a daily basis I'm like, oh yeah, I didn't put this on the list. Cause guess what? If we went to the potlucks who and our house do you think would be responsible for providing the potluck item that we take? MI. So that is another thing. So. 

There's too many things. There's just too many things. 

I will say. My husband has really trying. This week, he texted me on his way home from work. And he said, I think we need to eat the chicken that's in the fridge. Cause you know, chicken is one of those things. You buy it and you just got to cook it before. You know, it was just going to turn at least. That's what our, our luck is. So he's like, I think that we need to eat that, cook that chicken tonight. And I said something like, is this your subtle way of telling me to go ahead and get dinner started? And he said, no, I'm just trying to take. This decision off of your plate. I think that you and I should have baked potatoes. And broccoli and the kids should have mashed potatoes, which we buy. Pre-made mashed potatoes guys. I'm not in here. Mashing potatoes, mashed potatoes and green beans. And I think that you should start dinner in 15 minutes. 

And I said, have you been reading about mental load? And he said, no, I've just been listening. And I replied, this might be the tech, the sexiest texturing we've had in a very long time. 

So he's trying, I think there's an education involved and you know, we've been married for almost 20 years and it's funny because I was determined to not be a servant kind of spouse. And what I mean by that is. You know, When my grandma died, my grandfather was helpless. He could not do his own laundry. He didn't even know how the laundry machine worked or the dishwasher worked. Uh, because she just did everything. I think she even mowed the lawn. And then you look at like my parents' relationship. And if my dad wanted a glass of water, Usually he's going to ask somebody in the house to get it for him. He did not ever go to the grocery store, like literally ever did not. Uh, do laundry. Really never ran the dishwasher, washed dishes, like. Any of the tasks to keep the household going. He did not do. And so when we got married, I was like, I just want you to know. That this is how I'm going to be. And we had, uh, some pretty decent fights in the beginning because Casey would ask me to get him a drink of water. And I was like, oh, hell no, I am not getting. You have a drink of water? And, uh, To respond to that mean either. Sorry. Um, anyway. Aye. So I held my ground in a lot of things and I also, you know, I noticed. In. The hair people's marriages that, you know, you observe right growing up and you see things and you go, wow. She decided. 35 years ago. What was going to be okay. And what was not going to be okay. And she's lived with that for 35 years. And that's not to say that there's not an opportunity to change your mind about how you would like your marriage relationship to be. But I saw that and I was determined and to the point where, you know, when the kids were babies and they were going to wake up every two hours, the baby monitor moved from one nightstand or the other. I didn't care what he had going on the next day. If he had work and I was still on maternity leave. Sorry, sir. But I also need sleep and my body is healing. And why is sleep less important if you don't have to go and get paid to do a job? I will never understand it. It makes me so mad. So. We would take turns. Unless he was working crazy hours, of course. And then. Feeding the kids changing diapers, carrying the babies around. I still was the one that made sure we had everything in the diaper bag. I handled. You know, when we started at a new daycare, first of all, I found the daycare. Research the daycare too, or the daycare. Sometimes because we did multiple daycares throughout the year. Sometimes I would ask him to meet me there. Usually I would just do it was faster. Um, I had to label all of the stuff, get all of the things ready. You know, notice when the kids clothes came home dirty, send new clothes. And slowly there was this creep. Of mental load stuff. That is just like, At first, it wasn't that big a thing. And then it kind of turns into an avalanche of mental load. So. I do really feel like he is hearing me. And so we're on a good path. I actually have to say like him just thinking. I've just what we're going to have for dinner instead of asking me, Hey, what should we have for dinner? And I'm like, I don't know, you got the groceries. You decide what we should have for dinner. My brain. I can't make one more decision today. I have made decisions about this whole family, every 30 seconds all day, take this one thing off of me and he did, and I didn't have to ask him. It was weird. I wonder. If I like really want to be like, so what happened that day that you decided on your way home, that you were going to do that? I don't know. But I loved it and I hope that there is more of that in the future. 

So anyway, that's my long-winded explanation for where I've been and what I'm doing. And I have a feeling that I am not the only woman in America. That has too much, so much. That like my brain just keeps making mistakes. That's the problem. My brain has been making mistakes. I'm doing too many things. So here's my encouragement to you to start saying no to things. If you don't need to go to the potluck, don't go to the potluck. If you're going to go to the potluck, it's okay to pick up Chick-fil-A and take it. That is fine. You don't have to make something special. Actually, my thing was a Bundt cake from nothing Bundt cakes. I brought one of those every time it was a hit and I didn't have to make anything. So.  📍 Any thing to make life easier. 

All right guys, I am going to try to do better next week. I so appreciate you listening. And until next time. See you soon villagers